Not So Straight
by RBTL
Summary: He loves James, so much that it hurts, but James doesn’t love him, could never love him. If Teddy let himself pretend otherwise he would only end up with more pain in the long run. Teddy/James Jr. One-shot


_"_I fucking hate you!"

It's moments like this one that make Teddy wish James had never grown up. When James was the little first year and Teddy was the all powerful seventh year, things were different. Teddy could pretend he was straight, well, bisexual at least, and happy to be dating Victoire. He could pretend that he would leave Hogwarts, get a job at the ministry, and marry a girl before he had ten kids and bought a house with a picket fence.

Teddy was still been living with his grandmother and dating Victoire the summer he got fired from his job at the Ministry. Grandmeda had threatened to toss him out if he didn't find some way to pay rent. Victoire hadn't bothered to threaten him. She dumped him for the Assistant Head of Magical Games and Sports.

He had fled to his godfather's house in hopes of finding peace and someone who wouldn't act disappointed in him, at least not to his face. Instead he found that the little brat he had played hide and seek with had hit puberty. James was fifteen and the hottest guy Teddy had ever seen.

Skip forward a few years. Now Teddy and James live in a run down flat in Muggle London. Teddy likes living with James, and he doesn't even mind when he forgets to pick up his smelly socks. What he does mind is coming home to a ruckus after working late as a clerk at Flourish and Blotts. James is on the phone screaming at his brother, who has apparently ruined his life somehow.

"Oh, don't even think about saying I'm the favorite. Dad always liked you better and Mum adores Lily. I never got half of the attention either of you got!"

Teddy knows he's not normal. The fact that he is turned on by his straight flatmate screaming like a two-year-old merely exemplifies that. Just about anything James does turns Teddy on though. He loves when James will plop down onto their broken couch to watch television with him, especially when James falls asleep on his shoulder. Even an evening spent cleaning the flat is fun when James is around. The sight of him bending over to pick something up, pert bum stuck up, never fails to send Teddy running to the bathroom to wank.

That's why Teddy doesn't mind sharing his flat with the nineteen-year-old. He came to visit the summer after he left Hogwarts and never left.

James isn't a bad flatmate; he picks up his dirty clothes most of the time and washes the dishes when Teddy cooks. He pays part of the rent too, whenever he manages to hold down a job at a Muggle shop.

The only truly upsetting part of James living there is that Teddy always knows when he's found a girl. He'll make excuses to not come home at night and Teddy knows he's somewhere having sex with some faceless girl.

Those are the nights when Teddy pulls out his stash of fire-whiskey and tries not to love him.

"No, you are the idiot! Nuh-uh. No way. Never. Yeah right!" Teddy hears him pause. "Oh, go bugger yourself. Dad's never gonna love me half as much as he loves you."

Sometimes it's easy to convince himself he shouldn't love James. When he makes a rude comment about a girl whose shirt shows a little too much or a guy with a big beer belly, Teddy finds it easy to remember how immature James is. Listening to James fight with Albus exasperates Teddy so much he can ignore the feelings for days, or at least until James walks out of the shower naked. If James starts to curse, something that Teddy hates, the feelings almost seem to disappear.

The smallest things bring them rushing back. The sight of James in the morning, tired and grumpy and falling asleep in his oatmeal, never fails to make Teddy smile.

And days when Teddy has to deal with awful customers at work and doesn't get home until horribly late could be very bad days, but they aren't. That's because James will meet him at the door with a grin and a hot mug of coffee. Then he'll sit with him and let Teddy lay down on his lap and fall asleep. James won't even laugh at him when he drools on the sofa cushion.

"Listen, I have to go. Teddy's home and we are gonna watch a movie tonight. Yeah, well, I love you too, bastard. I'll fight with you some more tomorrow. Night!"

And it's the moments like these, when James will abandon everyone else, even his family, for him, that Teddy loves him most. Teddy's always wished he had more family than just Grandmeda, so when his straight, childish, weirdo of a flatmate is willing to ignore his family for Teddy, it makes him feel like the most adored person on earth.

Teddy steps into the kitchen, grinning at James and wishing he could kiss him. Instead, he ruffles his already mussed up hair as he walks past him to get to the coffee pot. "What have you been up to today, James?"

James frowns and wrinkles his nose. "I went to two different interviews and scrubbed the bathroom. Both of the jobs turned me down, but I did manage to get that odd stain off of the edge of the bathroom rug."

"Ew, thank you, I was so grossed out by that stain I was about ready to throw the rug out." He pours some coffee into a mug and morphs his hair from the brown he wears in the Muggle world to the Gryffindor red he prefers. It's the closest he can get to James' bright auburn hair without making anyone suspicious. "Did you pick up the movie?"

James doesn't answer and Teddy turns around to look at him. For some reason his face is bright red. "Well, you see... they had already rented out the one you wanted and when I asked the lady for another old American chick flick, since I know you love them and it was supposed to be your turn to pick, she gave me a really odd movie."

Teddy isn't sure why this is making James blush, so he quirks an eyebrow and waits.

"And well, it's not really a chick flick, erm... well, I guess it is, in a way. I didn't look at the box before I rented it, and, well, it's..." Teddy sips his coffee and waits for James to fumble his way through the explanation. "It's 'Brokeback Mountain.'"

Teddy ends up snorting his coffee back into the mug. He's wanted to see the "gay cowboy movie" ever since he heard about it, but it's a little embarrassing to admit. It's an older movie too, so he figured the rental place wouldn't have it. Looks like they did.

He smiles at the embarrassed boy and shakes his head. "We don't have to watch it if you don't want to. I'd like to see it though."

"Well, er, I would too." James' face flames even redder at the confession and he grabs a glass off of the counter, turning away from Teddy so he can fill it in the sink. Teddy tries not to stare as he gulps the water down, his Adam's apple bobbing with every swallow and making Teddy want to lick it.

Escaping to the main room, Teddy calls behind him, "Well, come on then!" He spies the movie on the end table and grabs it, quickly popping it into the DVD player.

James enters and sits on the good side of the sofa, leaving Teddy to sit on the side that's missing some springs. Once they are both settled, James starts the movie. Teddy wishes he dared lie down on James' lap, but he knows his straight friend will be uncomfortable enough watching gay men as it is.

* * *

In the end it doesn't matter because James falls asleep before the movie even gets to the first sex scene. Teddy turns off the television, then he morphs his muscles big and bulky. He picks James up off of the couch and carries him to his bedroom. James' eyes flutter and Teddy hears him murmur, "Love you, Teddy."

His heart fluttering, Teddy wishes it were more than brotherly love. He lays him in the bed, wrinkling his nose at the smelly sock on the pillow. After throwing the sock on the floor, he reaches out as if to touch James' face and pulls his hand back at the last moment. He loves James, so much that it hurts, but James doesn't love him, could never love him. If Teddy let himself pretend otherwise he would only end up with more pain in the long run.

He does murmur back, "I love you too, Jamie," before leaving the room. He closes the door softly and then leans his head on it. James starts to snore on the other side and Teddy tries to crack a smile, but at the moment he's just too sad.

He retreats to his bedroom and sits on the bed, cradling his head in his hands. It's so hard for him to live with James, to see him every day and know he will never love Teddy back. At the same it's wonderful to live with the person he loves.

He pulls off his socks and shoes and tosses them in the corner before morphing his muscles back to normal. He puts his shirt and jeans in the dirty clothes hamper, and he crawls into bed in his boxers. He knows he should put on a proper pair of pajamas because James will be in his room in the morning, telling him to hurry and get up so they can go shopping, but he can't muster up the energy. Teddy spells out the light before tucking his wand under the pillow and falling asleep.

* * *

Sure enough, Teddy wakes up the next morning with James looming overhead, a cheeky grin on his face and a cup of coffee in his hand.

"Wake up! You promised me we could go shopping for my early birthday present today. So, get out of bed before I pour the coffee on you!"

Teddy knows it isn't an idle threat, as James has done it before, so he rolls out of bed and heads for the bathroom. There is a small squeak behind him and he turns around, only to find James is bright red and staring at his crotch.

The red head tries to make a joke out of it. "Well, you look like you could use some help there."

Teddy feels himself flushing and morphs to hide it. Unfortunately the thought of James "helping" him out with his morning wood has gone to his head and he also manages to morph his prick bigger. Quite a bit bigger.

James squeaks again and he almost drops the cup of coffee in his hand. "Merlin, I didn't even know you could do that!" Realizing he's staring, James looks away, but Teddy can tell he's still looking out of the corner of his eye. "Erm. Yeah. I'm just going to go make breakfast now," he says and beats a hasty retreat.

Teddy shrugs, wondering why James is so embarrassed about something he must have seen all of the time in the dorms. Unless the Gryffindors in his year had been far more modest than Teddy's roommates. He completes his morning routine quickly, sparing only a few minutes to toss of to one of his standard James fantasies.

James is still red when he enters the kitchen twenty minutes later and he seems slightly breathless. "This morning did not happen, now eat your toast so we can go!"

Teddy grins and ruffles James hair. He tries to lean on James' shoulder to watch him fry the bacon, but James shies away from his touch. Attributing it to embarrassment, Teddy tries not to feel hurt as he grabs the toast James has already covered in orange marmalade for him.

Breakfast is silent, neither of them being a morning person, and they clean up quietly too. James keeps glancing at Teddy and blushing, but Teddy can't work up any sympathy for the straight boy. Merlin knows he wouldn't mind seeing James half naked and hard.

They head for the nearby shopping center. James hates it because he doesn't think it has enough clothing stores, but Teddy always wishes it had fewer. For a gay guy, Teddy hates shopping far more than one would expect. It only takes a few minutes for James to forget his early morning embarrassment after he enters the first store. Teddy finds himself being pulled down the aisles as James pulls seemingly random shirts and pants from the racks.

They only go shopping together on special occasions. Usually James will go shopping with Lily and Rose to save Teddy from the torture, but for his birthday present James asked Teddy to buy him a new outfit. Teddy feels slightly bitter about it because he knows the hot new shirt James picks out will go towards wooing some woman into bed, but he lets James drag him through the store anyway.

James even manages to persuade him to sit outside the dressing room and critique the various outfits. Teddy dozes through it, nodding whenever James shows up in a new outfit. For some reason James is choosing odd clothing though, pink shirts and rainbow colored belts. Teddy isn't sure what to make of it, so he simply smiles and assures James that he looks good. It's boring, but it gives him an excuse to ogle James' arse.

A cute salesgirl comes over after a few outfit changes to help James pick something out. She coos over the outfit James seems to like best and Teddy glares at the wall when James gives her a grin. Not noticing Teddy's annoyance, she tries to talk to him while James changes.

He ignores her until, "Your boyfriend is really cute, you know?" comes out of her mouth. He frowns at that.

"Not my boyfriend."

She smirks. "You must be straight then, because I wouldn't pass up a cutie like him if he wanted me!" Luckily James pops out in a new outfit and he doesn't have to reply. The girl must be crazy if she thinks James could ever want him.

* * *

In the end James decides he doesn't like anything at that store. Teddy is then dragged through three more stores before James settles on a tight pair of black jeans and a rainbow striped shirt. Teddy thinks the shirt makes him look fruity, but he doesn't tell James.

He keeps pondering over the salesgirl's words and wondering what gave her the impression. For Merlin's sake, James flirts with their waitress at lunch more than he flirts with Teddy. He knows he's being sullen, but he can't seem to get out of the funk. James is his normal self, and he talks enough for both of them, leaving Teddy to stew.

They wander home after a quick lunch and Teddy settles himself on the good end of the couch with some beer. James calls up Al and Teddy knows he'll be listening to shouts before long. He has never understood why James calls Al if they only end up fighting.

He's watching the news when James' voice starts to rise. It's the same fight they had yesterday from what he can hear.

"Dad just doesn't understand me. That's why he loves you more, because you want to get married and have kids and live like a normal person. He doesn't get that I don't want a wife and a house with a picket fence."

Teddy frowns in the main room. He's never heard James say he doesn't want a wife before. He wonders why not, and his answer comes a split second later.

"Mum hates that I'm gay and won't give her grandchildren."

He gasps and chokes on air. Teddy's coughs drown out the rest of the conversation and the next thing he knows James has plopped himself down on the sofa.

"You okay?" he asks as he steals Teddy's beer and finishes it.

Teddy nods and manages to stop hacking. "Yeah. You're gay?" Then he wants to kick himself for being so blunt.

"Yeah." He looks over at Teddy and then stares at the bottle in his hand. "That's not a problem is it?" Teddy shakes his head and tries to hide his grin. He has the chance he never thought he had, the chance to fall in love with James and have his love returned. Until the next words come out of James' mouth. "Good! Victoire always said she thought you were less than straight. Al reminded me too, are you coming to my birthday party?"

He doesn't have a chance after all. James is six and a half years younger than him and his god-brother. He would probably be disturbed if he knew how much Teddy loved him. He assures James he's coming to the party and settles back into the couch to watch television. Between the news and his own thoughts, Teddy almost forgets James is sitting next to him. He jumps when James starts to speak.

"You know, since you know I'm gay and everything, I have to tell you that I meant what I said last night." Teddy's stare is blank, so James continues to talk. "That I love you, I mean."

Teddy isn't sure when he fell asleep, but he pinches himself to see if the dream will end. It hurts, but he doesn't wake up.

James is red again and he's not looking at Teddy. "I just, you know, wanted you to know. Um, you don't have to like me back or anything, just, I love you."

Teddy can't think of anything proper to say and he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind. "How do you even know what love is?"

James frowns and glares at him. "I've dated people before."

Teddy's mind is still blank when he says, "Girls?"

"No, guys. What part of gay don't you understand?" James seems upset and Teddy isn't sure what to do to reassure him. He blurts out another stupid question.

"Then, if a guy kissed you, you wouldn't mind?"

James shoots him a look. "No. Duh?"

"Good." And suddenly Teddy is pulling James towards him and they are kissing and it's a little awkward, but still perfect in it's own way.

James shoves him away a minute later. "Please, don't mess with my head. Just... just don't."

Teddy's mind is still numbed but his heart is racing and he's gasping for breath. "I'm not. I love you too. I've loved you for years, but you were so straight that I never thought I had a chance."

James quirks an eyebrow. "Straight? Have you seen my closet? Did you even look at the shirt you bought me today?"

Teddy still can't reconcile himself to the knowledge that James loves him. "And you are so much younger than me and my god-brother... and what will Harry say?"

"Dad doesn't understand me anyway. It will just be another odd quirk of mine. And I'm not that much younger. For goodness sake, my aunt Audrey and uncle Percy are ten years apart! It's not like dating your god-brother is incest either." James is getting irate again, and Teddy doesn't know if the next question will upset him more or calm him down.

"Well, then, are we a couple now?"

James flushes yet again, and Teddy is so taken by the sight he prays thanks to whichever god gave the Weasley's their blushes. "Um. Yeah? If you want to be?"

"I do." And then James is in his lap and they are making out and Teddy can't remember the last time he felt this happy.

He pulls back and asks James one more question. "Do we wanna take this slow, or do we want to take it to the bedroom?"

James smirks. "I've known you since I was born and we've lived together for over a year. I think we can speed this up a bit."

Teddy nods and pulls him back into the kiss. He's not in any rush to have sex with James, but he is glad they won't have to wait too long for it. For right now he's happy to hold James in his arms. It's more than he thought he could ever have.

"Can you do that morph thing with your dick while you're inside of me?" Then again, the bedroom looks good too.


End file.
